What is Sex?

It’s time to talk about birds and the bees. Terminology can usually help us understand the world more clearly, so let's start there. If you break down the word “sex,” what comes to mind? Intercouse? Orgasm? Making love? Fucking? For so long, “sex” has been defined as a male penis entering a female’s vagina. But this seems so pointed at a heteronormative binary that just does not fit all of us. With a spectrum of sexualities and genders, people need to understand that “sex” can look different for everyone.   

Now, there are 3 well understood actions that are considered “sexual”, and that is oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex. Usually referring to someone’s genitalia being put inside one of these holes - but what about something inside a hole? A toy perhaps? Is this still sex? Perhaps. 

Sex (in the state of Colorado) is defined as “touching of the genitalia.” It does not have to be another person’s genitalia. So if a person’s genitalia is being touched with ANYTHING, then sex is occuring. But a handjob isn’t sex, is it? Every state is going to have their own bias definitions for “the physical activity that can result in a baby” - which can be so outdated. But what’s important is that you and your activity buddy define it for yourselves. This ensures that clear consent is being given before your bodies start to do the horizontal tango. 

“Looking for fun.” So many people have different ways of expressing sex, it can get confusing. We need to understand that clear and direct communication can significantly improve any sexual experience. You can do this, but not that, you can touch me here, but please don’t touch me there. I want your cum down my throat, but don’t push my head down. I require you to put on a condom. Let’s be more honest about what we want and how we want to participate in this experience. 

I’d also like to mention that the notion “you need to have an orgasm during sex, otherwise what’s the point” is so narrow minded. Sex can be intimate and pleasureable, and it does not have to lead to this mind melting orgasms everytime. For me it has always been about connection to the other person - a blend of emotional and physical sensualness. I also enjoy edging and the torment that comes with orgasm denial - but that’s me. Sexual activity can mean something completely different to you.

So let’s stop assuming we know what the other person wants, and let's communicate. Doing the deed can be fun, but let's define what that means.